I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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