I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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