I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
