Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
