you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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