About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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