Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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