...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
