i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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