uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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