Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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