id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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