she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
