It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
