I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize