summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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