Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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