I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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