thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
this is an emotional support booty call
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
