i jhust puked up my retainher.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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