The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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