I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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