I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I checked into jail on foursquare
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
