You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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