how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize