Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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