People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
