Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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