Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
