but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
