Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
