This dress was meant to end up on your floor
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
