I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
