so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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