i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
they're like a gay fantastic four
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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