woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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