You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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