So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Everything about him screamed your future.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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