you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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