Your face is a jimmy john
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your dad touched me again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
