Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
