All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
