Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Alive.
So much puke
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
