im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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