Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
