You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
