if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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