did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
