I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
