Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
