A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
