I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
