that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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