The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
