I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
