Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
