dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
