my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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