but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
