Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
