Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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