She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
