when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
