Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
