I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just invented taco cereal.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
