The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize