Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize