i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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