got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just gift wrapped bread.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
