Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
