Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
