I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
