It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize