I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
