I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
