Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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